Nov 4, OOPS

okay, I blew it today. But I actually feel positive about my future, because 1) I feel yucky right now and would like that to end, and 2) I've felt good the last few days and would like to return to that. Also after reading posts on the forums about sugar addictions, I'm realizing I don't handle sugar well, and I think I know why now: It's because I hardly ever eat it anymore and I'm really sensitive to it now. That's pretty obvious but it took me a while to realize it. I thought I had some weird psychological control problem. Well, maybe I do, but it doesn't help that I'm so much more sensitive to it than I used to be. That's why I quit alcohol too because I'm so much more sensitive to it now, and I react strongly to a small amount and feel crappy the next day after just 1 drink. I think I have to tell people I just can't handle refined sugar and grains anymore when faced with their thoughtful vegan concoctions. Okay, so here's how today went:

Late Brekky: smoothie, black bean soup and steamed veggies. This was a bit too much. Next time I can do with less of the veggies. They were good though.

Dinner: salad.

After dinner Oops: I was at a meeting, and the host said BYOC (bring your own cookies), and the host found out I was vegan and bought all these freshly made vegan cookies from the co-op. Then my friend Colleen brought these vegan cookies that were from a recipe I'd given her! And I thought, oh, those are okay because they have peanut butter instead of oil. Well, this is how your brain does not think rationally: I forgot it's loaded with maple syrup. Don't trust your brain when faced with cookies! The recipe is peanut butter, spelt flower, maple syrup and chocolate chips. It's really simple, and really tasty. So I ate one. and then another. At some point I remembered the maple syrup ingredient but it was too late. I think I ate about 8 of them. They were relatively small, but still. I'm buzzing and I have a stomach ache. I definitely prefer the calm, centered feeling I usually have.

Okay, tomorrow starts day 1. I actually feel more confident about this than I did a few days ago because I think I've undergone a mental shift. It's like when I decided I don't want the alcohol anymore. It's not denying myself something I want, but deciding I really don't want it anymore.